Not long before my future son-in-law proposed to my daughter, he asked me what’s the secret to a long and successful marriage.
I responded quickly, without much thought: “Marry the right person.”
My answer sounded facile, on the cheeky side. Sure, marry the right person, that’s the obvious secret—but how can you be sure you’re doing that?
I believe the foundation, what you must have, is admiration and respect. Chemistry is important, but character rules. You have to admire your partner’s character and respect their values, so much that you want to emulate them. You have to admire and respect how they go about their lives—how they face challenges and treat triumphs. There has to be a lot of “I like that about you.” And “I should be more like that.”
If you find yourself wanting to be more generous, more patient, and more courageous because of your partner; if you find yourself learning and growing because of your partner; if you find yourself becoming a better person because of your partner; if you find that despite the inevitable bumps and conflicts along the way you’re mutually committed to smoothing out and solving—then you’ve married the right person.
When I look back on the long arc of my own marriage, I see a narrative of commitment and devotion. I feel like my marriage, my partner, is like a lucky charm I always carry around in my pocket, or like a souvenir I place on a shelf that’s always in view to remind me of how special she is to me.
Of course, there’s another aspect to the “right” person—she’s right a lot of the time! I’ve come to peace with it.
Harriet and I were married 32 years ago today, on a cool and sunny April afternoon. I’d do it all over again, and I’ll stand by my answer: Marry the right person.
