Dear Ferrara:
I noticed on your website your corporate positioning statement stating that “Ferrara has stretched the sugary limits of imagination for over 115 years to create confections that bring people joy.”
You have certainly brought me a lot of joy, particularly through your iconic and aptly named Atomic Fireball! What a devilishly hot and spicy red orb of sweet burning cinnamony sugar the Fireball is! In fact, at this moment, I just popped one of those candies into my mouth, and already my tongue and the inside of my cheeks are heating up.
I don’t understand why I can never find Atomic Fireballs in the candy aisle of the supermarket or at the checkout counters of convenience stores. Or maybe I do understand. Tolerating the heat of the Fireball isn’t for the faint of heart. It isn’t for the pallid palette. The Atomic Fireball is a specialty candy only for special people.
It’s a good thing I know how to get a supply. Every time my birthday rolls around, or for Father’s Day, when Julia asks me what gift I’d like, I tell her I wouldn’t mind a resupply of Fireballs, and then like magic, she presents me with a bucketful of my favorite candy that she’s ordered from somewhere in the online universe.
What pleasure Fireballs have given me when I’m out for a hike and need a little excitement in my mouth. Or when Harriet and I are on long car rides. We have this game we play to see who can make their Fireball last the longest. No fair taking it out of your mouth, no matter how hot it gets. No fair squirreling away between teeth and gums. You gotta suck, you gotta stand the heat, and at the same time, you’ve got to make it last.
Sadly, she almost always wins. I think she’s even reached thirty minutes on occasion, whereas I’ve never gotten beyond twenty-five, even when I resist all desire to bite down and instead allow my candy ball to slowly, slowly melt until it’s as small as a poppy seed, and then it’s completely gone. Like I said, what pleasure.
But now, something is amiss in paradise, and it’s because you, Ferrara. And that’s why I’m writing to you today. It’s obvious to me, as it would be to any aficionado, that you’ve changed your secret recipe for Atomic Fireballs. Sure, they still have that sweet and spicy cinnamon taste. I’m sure the artificial colors and flavors are the same. But now, the Fireball breaks apart while I’m sucking on it. Not just once in a while, but every time. Sometimes it splits in two, sometimes into several pieces. What’s more, the candy is no longer perfectly round. It’s somewhat misshapen. Have you cut down on the modified food starch or the carnauba wax? That’s what I suspect.
This is very disconcerting. It’s ruined our game. It’s ruined the entire Fireball experience for me.
Why, Ferrara? Why? I really hope it’s not due to the usual corporate mandate of finding a way to cut production costs, even if that means producing an inferior product and screwing your loyal consumers. But I fear that might be the case.
So I insist you explain yourself, Ferrara. I want to know what the hell is going on. Because once my supply is out, I’m never buying (or asking someone to buy me) Atomic Fireballs again. And you will lose one of your previously loyal customers, and I have a feeling you can’t afford to lose too many, since you don’t even sell enough of this damn candy to have it stocked in stores.
Signed,
A Dispirited Customer
