I’ve given talks about my books and answered questions from readers. I’ve stood in front of audiences and hosted business presentations. I’ve confidently pitched marketing ideas to skeptical executives. I’ve performed timed slide presentations at Pecha Kucha nights. I’ve given eulogies at funerals and toasts at weddings.
None of these public speaking situations did me in. And yet, I have a terrible, sweaty fear of one specific public performance: Karaoke.
Easy, you say—don’t do Karaoke.
But I have this uneasy feeling of inevitability that someday I will be called upon to sing at a Karaoke event. A party. A group night out. Come on, David, get up on stage and show us what you got! I’ve even had dreams—I mean nightmares—about it. I will be humiliated. I will have eggs and tomatoes tossed at me.
Because I’m one of those people who can’t carry a tune. Can’t follow the beat of a song. Possess zero musical talent and an iron ear. I’m that one person that others frown at when a group sings Happy Birthday.
So I’ve been trying to prepare for my eventual day of reckoning. I’ve spent months searching for a song I won’t completely butcher. A simple, peppy song that’s short, around three minutes or so. At first, I zeroed in on Do You Want to Know a Secret, by the Beatles. Only two minutes long! A couple of simple verses and a chorus. But maybe not festive and rocking enough for those wild Karaoke sing-alongs.
I asked others for advice. One person told me to sing the one song that no one would ever expect from me. Maybe something like I’m Walkin’ on Sunshine.
Another suggested I choose a song with a female vocalist. That way I’m not up there pretending to be Bruce Springsteen but performing like Pee-wee Herman.
Heat Wave by Linda Ronstadt. I Feel the Earth Move, by Carol King. Material Girl, by Madonna. I Will Survive, by Gloria Gaynor.
I’ve tried them all. I fear I sound like a wounded crow, but I can’t be sure since I’m not brave enough yet to record myself singing.
Maybe my anxieties are exaggerated. Maybe I can avoid a Karaoke situation. Or if cornered, I could feign laryngitis. But I don’t think so. I can feel it coming. Just like “Winter is coming,” “Karaoke is coming.” Someone help me!
