In honor of all fathers on this Father’s Day, I annually update this post of dad lessons I’ve learned. As time passes, these lessons feel more relevant and continue to guide my evolving role as a father now that my kids have become independent adults. There’s no expertise behind these lessons, only my own fumbling and humbling experiences.
1. Always Be On Call
First and foremost—your children are your priority. My daughter and son are in their twenties and out of the house now. Bittersweet is missing them while also being so pleased they are forging their lives and thriving in a chaotic, complicated world. But whether you live with your kids or not, a father’s job is to show up whenever needed or wanted and be a positive force. Always make time for them.
2. Show Interest
Your passions aren’t their passions; what you’re interested in is not necessarily what your kids are interested in. It’s fine if they don’t want to play the sport you played or read the books you loved or hold the views that you do. Show interest in who this person is, make an effort to understand what’s important to them. No pushing them in a direction that suits your desires. There will be plenty of interest areas where you connect.
3. Maintain Composure
Whatever age your kids are, there are going to be times when they piss you off or frustrate you, but that’s no reason to lose your cool. It isn’t easy, and I haven’t always been successful. But whatever the situation, poise and composure count. They’re always watching for your reaction.
4. Be Vulnerable
You don’t have to be—you can’t be—the all-knowing, all-together Dad at all times. You’re every bit as vulnerable as your children are to making mistakes, being embarrassed, or feeling down. I’ve admitted to my kids many times my state of mind, and have shared with them stories of my own mishaps and regrets.
5. Demonstrate Behavior
Kids are mimics. Kids look to you for behavioral cues. If you want your kids to be kind to others, let them see you being kind. If you want them to get up when they get knocked down, then you get back up when you’ve been flattened. You can’t expect them to act in any way that you’re not willing to act yourself.
6. Give Space
Children are allowed lives of their own. They are allowed to keep secrets from you. The more space you give them, the more likely they are to trust you and share with you. No snooping in journals, tracking them on social media, or meddling when it’s not welcome. Go easy on the rule setting, be flexible on the “This is how we do things in this house.” When they’re adults, tell them what you’d like out of the parent-child relationship, but remember they may not want the same as you do.
7. Avoid Unsolicited Advice
Just because your kids tell you about a dilemma they’re facing or a problem they’re dealing with doesn’t mean they want you to solve it for them. Sometimes they simply need to know someone is listening. Ask them if they’re just sharing with you or if they want you to help them problem solve.
8. Validate Emotions
Our tendency is to sometimes say “Don’t cry, it’s okay.” Or: “There’s nothing to be anxious about.” Or: “You might be sad now, but . . .” I’ve done it many times myself. I wish instead I said something like, “I can understand why you feel that way.” Or: “No matter what, I’m here for you.” Because whatever they’re feeling, it’s all true and all valid.
9. Handle Anything
Things will happen to your children that are painful, unjust, and inexplicable. There will be burdens and heartaches and potentially worse. As a father, you must be able to handle anything that gets thrown your way.
10. Accept and Learn
You’d think after all these millennia there would be a definitive manual on the best practices of being a father. There’s not. Every father is different, every kid is an individual. What works with one kid utterly fails with another. You have to accept you’re going to make mistakes as a parent. Apologize if necessary, learn, and move on.
Bonus: Teach Your Kids to Drive
Dads, if you really want to test your mettle, patience, and poise, then teach your kids to drive. You’ll never forget the experience. I taught both my kids and today they are excellent drivers. My most important piece of unsolicited advice about teaching driving: The risk isn’t that driving is so difficult, it’s that it’s seemingly so easy once you get the hang of it, and therein lies the danger—that you might lose your focus at the wrong time. Kind of like being a dad: You’ve always got to be paying attention to what you’re supposed to do.
